Featuring Guest Blogger: Jade Danielle
I remember like it was yesterday. I was in a two-year relationship that had infidelity on his part all over it. There were times when I would call and he would send me to voice mail or even worse, just turn his phone off. When I would ask him, “where the Hell were you and what do you think this is?”
His answers were always the same, “I was at my friend’s house”, or my favorite “my phone died.” I would always look at him and know that he was lying, like the wheels that manufactured his lies, would be turning and his lies would become more elaborate.
“Yeah, I’m like real stressed out and you always thinking I’m doing something is not helping!” “Jade I told you, I’m only about you, I’m not cheating on you and I have never cheated on you”
This would often throw me into a self-inflicted craziness. I would be on the phone with my best friend and we would go over clues like Inspector Gadget. I often felt like I was playing my favorite board game Clue, “It was his lying ass, last weekend with the girl with the big lips!”
I was so crazy, I started to really think I was crazy. Was I being that insecure? Had all the things I’d compiled over the years been figments of my imagination. Was I in fact, living in the Twilight Zone?!
If women know anything; we know our men. There have been times when I wished I wasn’t so clever or I just wanted to leave him! I could not because, I never had actual proof. Now I know this sounds crazy, what more did I need? I had all the signs, clues and still wanted to put my case on Mystery Diagnosis.
As the months went by, our relationship started to get better. We were approaching our third year and I was ignorantly happy. He stopped disappearing and was always home, we had reoccurring dates and he would ask if I was cool with him going out.
Yes, Finally! My relationship was happy and all those crazy things that I thought were in my insecure head, like he said, “I just needed to trust my man and stop listening to what everyone else had to say.”
Ladies, you can stop listing to your girls, co-workers, therapist, pastor and your own mama!
You can’t stop listening to yourself, even when you drown out the female intuition with Facebook pictures of happiness and repetitive holiday rounds or family pictures. You, know what the truth is.
Any how, like I said things were amazing and one night he went to bed early and I stayed up to watch my favorite show “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”. Since he was under the impression that he had convinced me that I was in fact crazy, he was very comfortable. His cell phone was no loner stapled to his chest and his email was left open on my computer.
In between commercials, I kept staring at the computer. Damn, “should I check his email?” Aren’t we beyond this? What is the point of me doing this, we are happy, right?!
Wrong, my happiness was based on me settling to believe that I, was in fact, overreacting or crazy. Or that I was insecure or jealous. None of this is true! I’m fabulous and my reasons for feeling like I had been treated wrong were warranted by his actions.
My show went off , and I jumped on that computer so fast my hand were shaking. I didn’t know what I was looking for so I thought about what plagued me the most throughout our relationship and it popped right in my head his exes.
So I did it, I searched for her name and as the computer started searching I knew what the outcome would be.
There it was. The facts, it was everything I already knew.
The first email went like this, “I miss you so much and I have gotten used to you sleeping in my bed”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, oh my God! I didn’t know what to do or to say, I was in shock, the more I read the worse it got and it wasn’t just her. There were several women he had inappropriate conversations and relationships with while we were together. He even belonged to a site named “Interracial Daters”, I almost fainted. It was a bunch of brothers meeting up with others! (when I say others, I mean non-black women, which is totally a personal choice, I could care less but I’m Black! That’s like a white woman, finding out her man belongs to a site created for White men looking for “Sultry Sistahs")
I just sat there feeling relieved and stupid. I knew that he cheated without the facts (my female intuition), and had many nights of crying and hour-long conversations with my friends. I’d dealt with this emotionally and I was tired.
He was in the other room, sound asleep. I walked into the room, and just started hitting him in his sleep. I was screaming, “You fucking liar, you liar! Get out my house!”
He was in shock and looked frightened and said, “Jade, what is wrong with you?” “Are you crazy?!” I said, “You would like me to be” and I started reading the emails. As chocolate as this man was he turned bright red, he was caught red-handed. He was a liar, and there was no amount of manipulation that could change that.
I didn’t want to hear about his relationship with his mom or his lack of emotional progression. I wanted him to leave, I was crying but it wasn’t out of hurt it was from anger. I had wasted so much time, trying to untangle his web of deceit. I had already been hurt for years, my emotions were like stone I was in full protect “Jade” mode.
Our relationship lasted for 4 weeks after that. He had convinced me that if I looked at the dates, everything happened over a year ago before he “fell in love” but I could not. Every time he said something, I went crazy. He would say, “You know I love you” and I would say “You told me that a year ago” Of I would say, “how’s that interracial dating going?”
I was so mean! I never knew I could be so mean, I didn’t care what he did I was OVER IT!
See every woman has their breaking point, and cheating is mine. I can not bear the thought of me “trying” to make a relationship work while my partner is not. In relationships we deal with emotional, economic and family stress, so in my mind to add to that is so disrespectful.
I had to let him go, it wasn’t fair to him or to me to stay in that relationship because I would never love him the same.
If I learned anything from this experience it was, he wasn’t the only liar. I had lied to my self for too many years, and finally listened to someone who loves me unconditionally, me!
Jade Danielle has a passion for love, fashion and life and tries to relay this through her writing. She believes in the power of women helping women, and decided to use her words to help other women since so many words from women have inspired her throughout her life.
She received her B.A. in Political Science and African American Studies from Rutgers University, and has done Graduate work in Diversity and Inclusion, at Georgetown University.
Jade resides in Harlem with her two puppies, Old Man Joe and Frank Sinatra. Where she is feeling blessed and loving life. You can contact Jade through her blog http://ifeyenuthen.wordpress.com/ or by sending an email to firstname.lastname@example.org